Engage Life

In honor of Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I am posting a blog that I wrote just two days after burying my second daughter, Madison. It was never published so I thought this month would be a perfect time to do this. I pray as we engage life through God's peace that we are able to truly live to be all He created us to be!

8/5/2016

Engage Life so that you don’t give up on it (John 10:10)

This is what I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart as I listened to my pastor, Chris Hodges, dissect what it means to have a meaningful relationship with the Holy Spirit. As a part of his second point, he explained how the Holy Spirit speaks most often in settings such as the one we were in. He mentioned that if we paid attention we would hear the Holy Spirit speak even while he completed the message. I have experienced this a number of times but today I was desperate to hear a special word from the Holy Spirit.

You see, just two days ago my husband and I buried our second daughter in a thirteen month time period. My life feels empty and confusing as I try to understand why God has allowed this to happen yet a second time. I don’t get it, but the only thing I do get is that God is the only one who does. Although the tragic events my family and I have had to experience over the past two weeks seem completely anti-God, I have a peace that He still has us. In my natural mind, I raise questions like:

·         Why are we going through this yet another time?

·         Did we disobey you in some way to deserve this?

·         Why don’t my daughters deserve to live?

·         Will I ever have a pregnancy where my baby live and I get the opportunity to raise them?

And they continue…..                                      

With these questions,however, I’ve found peace in knowing a few things:

·         God has not forgotten me. He is still on my side

·         He can take my questions and is close to the broken hearted. As I lean into Him, He leans into me and I gain further peace

·         He has not forsaken me. Even though I don’t understand and may never understand why this keeps happening, I do know that God is good and my joy is founded on this fact. And this joy is my strength

See, what I feel naturally is the temptation to give up. I want to give up on having children, give up on fulfilling my purpose, give up on growing in Christ. I simply don’t want to keep trying because as hard as I tried with the second pregnancy naturally and spiritually to be on point it still wasn’t enough. 

But Jesus said, " Peace I leave with you” and thus I feel God pursuing me with His peace.. Peace that sometimes I don't even want. Sometimes I detest it. You see, naturally it feels that if I accept this peace, I am accepting that what has happened to me is ok or that I’m ok with not having the questions I have answered..and I’m not. I’ve spent a few days rejecting this peace but I have finally decided to accept it because what I know is that this is a peace I have experienced before and in accepting it I find safety and direction.

You see,this same peace is what caused me to attend a university that I never wanted to go to only because I felt this peace. This same peace prompted me to fearlessly transition from full time to part time in my position as a Physical therapist Assistant only to voluntarily run my nonprofit with no idea where income would come from. This same peace caused me to take a leap of faith and try to get pregnant again after losing a daughter at twenty weeks gestation just last year.

See, the peace I feel God offering is familiar. I don’t want it sometimes because the natural side of me wants answers yet my spirit yearns for it and I feel strengthened as I take baby steps towards it.

So, for these reasons I choose peace. Although I’m not sure how I will make it pass today. I choose to walk in peace and obey what I heard the Holy Spirit say during church. I choose to engage life so that I don’t give up on it. Jesus came to give life and the enemy came to take it. Regardless of the questions that continue to scroll through my mind, I choose to engage life. I choose to go harder after my purpose and receive the gift of peace that God has given me. My oldest daughter’s name was Niya which means “purpose” and my second daughter’s name was Madison which means “gift from God”. So, I choose to live for the purpose God has given me but this can only be done by accepting the peace He is offering me.

I encourage you to do the same. No matter what life is bringing your way. CHOOSE to engage life. Go after what God has put in your heart. If it doesn’t work out the way you think it should, allow God’s peace to direct you onto a new path. But please, never give up!  God will carry you if you let Him!, but

“God’s grace is sufficient to carry you through”.

I would love to hear how you God’s peace is carrying you! Please comment below!

#peaceonpurpose

Pressing Forward But Not Forgetting

It’s 6:05am on 7/7/16 and I can’t help but reminisce about what I was doing exactly a year ago today. At 6:05am on 7/7/15, I was lying in the hospital wondering if I was dreaming. Only about four hours prior, at 1:46am, my very first child, my baby girl Niya Alise Hogan, was born. I remember the moment like this:

They passed her to me first. Due to exhaustion and disorientation from prior pain medication, this moment is foggy but I remember. I remember her face, her slow breaths, and mostly how she snuggled close to me. A few moments later, I reached to give her to her daddy who stood with the same amazement. As he held her, she snuggled close to him but my fondest memory is her grabbing his finger. He smiled in a way I’d never seen him smile before. His smile was like he was saying “ I love you so much and am so glad you’re here” and “I’m so afraid that you’re here so early; please be ok” all at the same time.   I know my husband’s love but at that momentNiya stepped into a special place in his heart different from what I’d ever experienced. He was a daddy and he was in love in way that is indescribable.

But, unfortunately at 1:52, once she was back in my arms I heard the worse words I’d ever heard, “I’m not getting a heartbeat.”  I knew what that meant but for whatever reason it didn’t hit me. Possibly due to the medication side effects but the disorientation felt different this time. The feeling was peaceful. I heard her but I felt covered. It was as if God was shielding me from the affects of what that statement meant. All I could do was look at her and tell her I loved her. So, that’s what I did until they took her from my arms. I said, “I love you baby.”

So today, 7/7/16 I continue to say, “I love you” . You see, I’ve spent the past 365 days finding ways to say this. Whether it was by wearing a necklace with her baby ring  on it or sharing an infant loss ribbon on social media, I’ve endeavored to move forward with my love for her in mind and the meaning of her name in my heart. You see, Niya was not just a cute name we found on a baby website. It was selected uniquely for her. In Swahili, Niya means “purpose” and before we ever knew her gender God told us she’d be a girl. So, with this level of intent given to us by our Father, we knew we always wanted her to reflect  what she was created for, a unique “purpose”.

So today we say “ I love you” but in a different way. As we move into this new year, we choose to press forward with this in mind. Our journey from this time last year, has taught us so much. There is no way for me to share it with you at a reasonable length in this blog.  It has been so much! I will share more of my thoughts later but today I will simply say “I love you” by sharing with you the tenacity that has been renewed in usfor our  purpose since her birth. The day after she was born, her dad and I spent our last moments at the hospital making a list of what she taught us. As I reflect on this list today, I’d like to share with you the last statement we wrote. It says,

”Purpose has nothing to do with time, but everything to do with the value you give to your life.”

So since that day, we have pressed forward placing more emphasis on the value of the lives God has given us. We have made more intentional decisions regarding our purposes and have chosen to press forward. Not just move forward, but “press” forward. It has and will continue to be a journey that will require great trust in God and we choose to allow His glory to be shown as we intentionally press forward towards the high callings He has given us.

If you are reading this, first I’d like to say thank you for taking the time to share this moment with us. We solicit your continued prayers and agreement for peace and strength. I hope this will encourage you as well to be intentional with your purpose. Whatever God is calling you to do, do it. But please don’t do it because you want to be a good Christian, an example for others, or fulfilled in this life. Do it because the Creator of us all desires a closer walk with you. He wants intimacy and the only way He can get that is through your communion with the Holy Spirit. As you follow His leadings, He will develop you into the person He created you to be from the beginning. But again, He is doing this for His glory. Let His glory be shown simply for His glory to be shown.

“Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he has planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:9-10

Live Intentionally for Him!

A Letter to Niya Alise

So today, Niya Alise, I say “I love you” again by telling you thank you! Your life was and continues to be a blessing to us and so many others. We can’t wait to share it with your siblings, one of which will be arriving very soon on 12/12/16! We embrace this stage of transition with you in mind everyday! We are so excited to tell him or her about you! Today we will celebrate you like we know you are celebrating in Heaven! God is still good and we are trusting Him!

Your legacy will never be forgotten but illuminated for all to see!

I love you!  #TheLegacyofNiyaAlise 

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#walkinginpurpose